Village Life: What it Takes

(1a) Picket fence tops are often taken by gypsies and then sold in another village. Most home owners look for distinct fence tops, a crueler solution has been the electric fence. I suggest just not owning a picket fence.Knock knock. Someone's at your front door. Dressed in brightly coloured robes, the lady with long dark hair stands alone at the front of your house. You open it and find she has many treasures for sale. She leads you to her cart, where she has set up all of her belongings. Her struggling donkey begs you for food and water. The owner yells at the donkey, but all you can make out are the words pin and tail, still she seemed pretty serious and the donkey shuts up. You make your selection and pay the lady gladly, you can't help but smile at her. As you make your way back to your house, you feel great pride in what you just bought and whistle triumphantly. That carton of bootleg cigarettes will last you a month, and only two dollars. Relaxation herbs, an ounce, only three dollars, and she probably picked it fresh the mountains. Picket fence tops (see 1a) only two dollars each, you were missing four so now your fence will be the best in the village again. Never thought this crazy lady would have the hookups did you? After waiving goodbye as you close the door, you head to your backyard to enjoy what you just bought... and fix the fence. When you enter the backyard you find that all your chickens/ducks are gone! Your tomatoes and other vegetables picked! And all the rest of your picket fence tops have been taken! You have just been swindled by Gypsies. Welcome to the life in the village. 

Village life is not for everyone. The above story is commonly seen in villages all over Macedonia, and Gypsies have been using that trick since my Grandpa hunted bears for sport. I will list six tips that will help you greatly in village life. These will assist you in getting number one status in the village and help protect you from the many dangers involved in this lifestyle.

Stepping your Tractor Game Up

(1b) This is an example of how not to own a tractor in the village.

In the city, everyone is worried about what kind of car they drive, so they buy expensive sports car or a jeep that looks like a helicopter inside. In the village, all that matters is what kind of tractor you have in that shed. What kind of tractor do you have? Red tractor? Green tractor? It doesn’t matter. What does matter is whether its a John Deere or not – because if it's not a John Deere, the men in the village will not consider it a tractor. And laugh at you. (See 1b). In order to gain the respect of the villagers you must parade around the village in your John Deere at least once a week. If you do not have a John Deere don't even bother parading around the village - you are like a girl running late, you're not ready yet.

Joining the Hunt

The first thing you must do, if you want to hunt with the men of the village, is get your alcohol tolerance as high a you possibly can. If you act like Willy Wonka is your boss or are square enough to live in that pineapple under the sea then this may be an activity to avoid. Even if you think you are at their level, you probably aren't even naughty on Santa's list - so practice. These guys are drinking moonshine like its Koolaid. Then they go hunting. When you are finally ready, you will sit at a table, and eat Macedonian foods while drinking the latest batch of moonshine. This stuff can get up to 70% alcohol content, and they will not leave to go hunting until they feel everyone has eaten and drank enough.

When hunting, you need to make sure that you fight that lean when firing to avoid accidents. If your tolerance has not been brought up to the proper standards, it will show when trekking through the forests and when driving the ATV – so beware. As soon as the first animal is killed, they will often head back to the village to drink more and spit-roast whatever they shot (See 1c).

(1c) Carev Dvor is a village tucked away in the mountainous south of macedonia. The laws here often are not followed or even enforced. Please follow the drinking laws in your country/city and never drink around firearms or operate motor vehicles.

 Coop Control

Now, many of the village elders spend time in their yard, watching their chickens. These guys are old, and the good ones usually sit on their chair all day and make sure their chickens don't walk out through the open gate. Instead of getting up every time a chicken is headed out the yard, they will shoot the ground in front of it with a slingshot... so the chicken rethinks leaving through the gate and crossing the road. Wait, you are probably saying, I have a solution. Why not just close the gate? No. You see the trick is to leave your gate open so other people's chickens wander into your yard. Chickens get loose in the village all the time, they always manage to escape their masters. Once they enter your yard it is yours. Most chickens look the same and another villager will rarely accuse you of thievery. (See 1d)

(1d) 1. This diagram shows how one should properly practice Coup Control in Carev Dvor.

To be continued...