So you've decided to become a poltergeist. All your life you told people, “When I die, I’m going to haunt all of you.” Well here you are, and you’ve made an excellent choice, my friend. Ghosts are shunned by the scientific community, so it’s a poltergeist’s job to stir things up, give ‘em a taste of the unknown. Here’s a few helpful tips and tricks for the modern phantom.
Unsettling things to whisper in someone’s ear while they sleep
Nowadays, the living aren't scared of monsters or skeletons. You need to get creative. People are more afraid of losing their minds, so instead of shouting in their ear or yanking their leg the moment they fall asleep, try some of these creepy catchphrases instead:
“They’re watching you dream.”
“Remember that thing you repressed from grade school?”
“How did Inception end?”
“Did you leave the straightener (coffee pot, stove) on?”
“How private is your browser history?”
You get the picture. Tailor your approach to the anxieties of your victim and watch them ruminate away hours of precious sleep. Ugh, remember sleep though? Sleep was so awesome.
Mess with their stuff
Did you ever wonder what happened to all those missing socks? The remote that was just there a second ago? Or what about the hundreds of bobby pins that mysteriously disappear every year? Poltergeists. Poltergeists do that.
See, the trick is to start with small things at first, just irritate them a little bit. Start with taking the cap off the toothpaste or hiding a few rolls of toilet paper. This is a way of warming them up, planting the seed of suspicion in their minds. Then, you move to things of more vital importance.
If they leave their phone unattended for an extended time, change their Facebook language to Icelandic, and include a hilarious keyboard shortcut for the words “and” “the” “hey” and “it”. Maybe take their voice memos and set them as their text tone, then crank the volume settings up. At the very least, they’ll think they have some sort of virus (good) or start to suspect their friends of foul play (better). Poltergeists can travel easily through electrical currents, so this sort of technological intrusion can be applied to other devices as well, such as tablets, laptops, and the little chip that the government implants at birth.
Well that’s it for now, paranormal pals! Check back soon for another glimpse into The Beyond!