HELL-o, Dolly

I love looking at "haunted" stuff that people sell on eBay. It's amazing the kind of stories people will come up with to sell this shit. I can’t help but hope at least a few of them are real. I’ve noticed that a strong trend is developing: If we’re pretending for a moment that the sellers at least think they have a genuine article, it’s fair to say that people are really afraid of dolls. I mean it though, at least 80 percent of the ads are for a doll that's supposedly haunted or possessed. I can understand porcelain dolls, because they have dead faces and pure evil in their eyes, but come on, this guy?? And I mean why not drop $150 on a “HAUNTED VINTAGE DOLL HOUSING THE SPIRIT OF BEAUTIFUL SHE-DEVIL” She sounds like she’d be fun at parties. Speaking of fun at parties, Marie Antoinette was gifted with this harpsichord-playing hell-bot. Look into its animatronic eyes and tell me that it isn't inhabited by a vengeful 17th-century spirit. But I digress.


Reality starts to sink in. Do these people actually believe that these dolls are haunted or are they preying on the weak-minded and naive? After all, how can you trust that you are purchasing the spectre in its true form? Who's to say it doesn't jump from the doll into say, a lamp, a la Amityville Horror 4 ? What if you go to ship the package and poof, the spirit decides it would rather cross over to the other side than go through customs? Maybe it takes up residence in a mailbox and feeds on the fingers of unwary strangers.

 I've always dreamed of opening a “haunted shop,” mostly because I’d like to buy some of this stuff, but being superstitious, I’d rather not keep it at my place. I've encountered some pretty inexplicable phenomena, and being an avid fan of the paranormal means I’ll always hold onto the hope that the genuine article exists within the grasp of my credit card. 


Charmaine Gratton

Charmaine Gratton is a writer, student and retail associate. She currently resides in Ottawa with her husband and two dogs, Disco and Frisket. She’s an amateur ukulele player, a rabid hair enthusiast, and a fan of all things spooky.

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