« Ghosts 101

Writers Thomas Garbutt and Nathan Battams explore the personal rules of life in a satirical and expressive manner in the columns section.

I used to work at an old bar a lot of people believed to be haunted. At first I chuckled to myself, and then openly ridiculed them, and then thought—wait a minute; I really don’t know what I’m talking about!

 Until then, I had ignored the dominant source for ghost-related education—ghost movies, TV shows, and grainy YouTube™ videos. When I considered how many people believe in ghosts, I thought that I should maybe look into it a little further. After all, a lot of people believe in photosynthesis—as do I! Democracy, right? So, I rented Ghost and The Exorcist, played Pac-Man for three hours, and watched Ghost Hunters. I took notes. Patterns emerged.

GHOST RULES:

1) Ghosts are "created" when someone dies unjustly, and so they get "stuck" on Earth during their transition to the afterlife. They do get to move on (or whatever) if things are "made right." It's like Quantum Leap, only without the time travel.

2) Speaking of travel, ghosts don’t like it—they’re geographically fixed; predominantly in houses. This makes sense, since nobody dies unjustly outdoors. Ever. (Exception: graveyards.) One would think that instead of dwelling on a past life that can never be recovered while moping about the house, a reasonable ghost would take this opportunity to live a little and see the world! I mean, if you don't have time to backpack across Europe after you’ve died, when will you?

3) Ghosts have a funny relationship with physics, particularly when interacting with matter. Ghosts have no trouble walking through walls or doors, but oddly enough they also don't seem to struggle with climbing stairs, or with being on any floor of a building other than the first. This is odd. I picture a ghost trying to walk up stairs, only to accidentally walk through them and wind up in the dusty crawlspace beneath (see Fig. 1.1).

Therefore the only tangible part of a ghost must be the bottoms of their feet. This would allow them to ascend stairs and stand on the second floor of a building without falling back through to the first—or for that matter, to the centre of the Earth.

Ghosts can pick up and touch things, but never anything big or particularly relevant (think pens, children's toys, or bed sheets). It's not as easy as you might think. To witness the challenges involved in ghostly interaction with physical matter, watch Ghost, starring Patrick Swayze. Though a fit man (ghost), it took him half the movie to learn how to pick up a penny!

4) Ghosts are malicious. Few Casper—esque exceptions occur. This is attributable to Rule #1: By definition, ghosts are bitter. At best, they want to scare us; but they seem unimaginative. They generally stick to classic scare tactics such as opening/closing doors, dragging chairs around, and turning on/off faucets and lights. They normally do these things in rooms that the hauntee is not in at the time. This is a mistake. I know that I would be freaked out if I actually saw a chair slide across the room with no explanation. However, if I heard a noise in the other room and noticed that a chair wasn't where I remembered leaving it, I would blame myself. After all, evidence of ghosts is hard to come by, but evidence of my brainlessness is everywhere.

Another ghostly tactical mistake is one of timing. Why do ghosts do their haunting late at night, when the hauntee is most prone to wild imagination and hallucinations? Too many fantastic ghost pranks probably go unaccredited by the hauntee—who I'm sure often writes them off as products of a tired or overworked mind. Tragic!

I am not a fan of this rule because it is “ghostist.” People focus on harmful or frightening ghost activities while consistently ignoring their helpful and altruistic acts, which are just as plausible. Ever come home to see that the house looks a little cleaner than when you left? Did you ever thank a ghost for that?

I didn't think so.

I must say, after examining the rules and thinking things through, my scepticism is softening. Maybe I’ve been blind to my latent “ghostism.” I feel awful and closed-minded, especially given the kinds of proof I have heard in favour of ghosts.

GHOSTLY PROOF

 A) It is late, I am alone in a building, I know that I just heard a noise in the other room, and it couldn't have been the wind. Too many people have experienced similar moments for this to not be a meaningful pattern. Ergo, ghosts exist.

B) I woke up from a dream about my uncle who recently passed away (unjustly, I might add). When I went to the bathroom to pee, I swear that I saw him standing behind me—BUT, when I turned around, nobody was there. I am not insane and therefore do not hallucinate—so then what could I have seen but... a ghost?

C) I was afraid that my house might be haunted, so I hired a paranormal specialist to examine it with SCIENTIFIC meters and tools designed to measure some electricity-like force in the air. They tested POSITIVE for haunting. Explain that. Did I mention the tools were scientific?

Scientific tools > science exists > ghosts are science > ghosts exist.

D) The thought of a truly finite existence is beyond my imagination. It feels like my consciousness has been around forever. Also, somebody close to me died years ago, and I can't grasp the idea that they're gone forever. Their personality and my love for them is still burned into my mind so much that it feels like they're around me. Even if the ghostly form they take is governed by arbitrary rules, doesn’t make sense and is riddled with internal contradictions, it's something. So, even if they're malicious, ghosts are much easier for me to understand and accept than the possibility of what I have being all I will ever have—the alternative being nothing. My brain is hardwired to imagine things, not no-things. Therefore, a reality without ghosts is literally inconceivable to me. I can only accept that ghosts do, in fact, exist.

Well, I’m convinced. A zillion people can’t be wrong. Besides, ghosts need to exist in order for me to mitigate my fears of an existential end that I cannot imagine, to explain noises that I'm too stubborn to rationalize, and to allow me to proudly maintain my conviction that my brain and senses are infallible.

That, and I still can't find my wallet, despite the fact that I have looked everywhere for it. Lousy ghosts!

* Get your Paranormal Ghost Hunting Software™ here.