Toddlers and Throw-Downs

By Jamie Sturgeon


Police are calling the brawl that erupted yesterday in Hickorytown, Texas between pageant moms Regina Lang and Yoko Brown, “Coliseum worthy.” The two women that started this epic war are the parents of two of the Miss Toddler U.S.A pageant contestants.

Reportedly, the winner of the pageant was accused of using make-up, something the pageant has always banned during competition. Upon further investigation, it was discovered that the winner had in-fact used make-up. The mother of the cheating baby, Regina Lang, was forced to give up her award to the runner-up, Yoko Brown and her baby.

A conference was called so that the winning mother-daughter team could receive their reward in proper fashion. However, when the two met on stage, Regina began using the trophy as a weapon, clubbing the unsuspecting Yoko multiple times. Regina then placed the trophy in her child’s stroller and commanded her to “make a run for it!” The poor child, unable to fulfill her mother’s wishes, burst into tears.

The two women, seemingly without regard for the safety of their children, rolled around on the stage trading blows. Their babies, not far behind them used the tremors caused from the fight to gain momentum and rammed their strollers together. The rest of the pageant moms were too afraid to break up the fight. They were worried they might get hurt themselves.

“No way I was going in there; I just had my hair dyed last Tuesday,” one witness explained.

The brawl came to an end three hours after it started when police and S.W.A.T units arrived on scene.

“You can never be too careful with these kinds of things,” A brave police officer said after making the heroic arrest and saving the bruised toddlers. Maybe bringing in 45 armed men and using the Taser guns multiple times was a little unnecessary, but — hey — at least none of us got hurt.”  

The two women were sent to the nearest hospital to recover from their wounds, both remain in critical condition. The two babies were also taken into custody and charged with aggravated assault. After serving their sentence in a juvenile detention center, they will be relocated to their closest family member. Both Regina and Yoko have been deemed unfit to be parents by the state of Texas.