Sexiness Status Denied

By Alex Mazur

Rape culture. Feminism. Women’s rights. Equality. For many, these words are starting to sound like the voice of an adult in a Peanuts episode (wahh-wahh-wahh). Luckily, there are female voices out there combatting over-sensitive bra-burners (check out Women Against Feminism for un-skewed opinions on feminism.)

That’s why when I stumbled upon this article, posted by a female Facebook friend, and written by a resident-expert on gender relations. Because she too is a woman, I was pleased, thrilled, overjoyed even.

The article is a poll of men the writer knows, and their unbiased, honest, opinions; it gets down to the nitty-gritty of how men really feel. It's about what women choose to wear on their bottom halves. There are many great responses, but I think Jon, 32 captures the essence of this hard-hitting journalistic masterpiece:

Fart filters.jpg

“High-waisted shorts. In what level of hell is this look attractive? What goes through a woman’s mind when she puts on these Cellulite Showcasers: ‘Yoga pants make my ass look phenomenal, so I’ll throw on these Denim Disasters to give myself a nice cigarette smoker’s butt.’ There was a time when these Fart Filters were contained only within the hipster community, but much like the Ebola virus, it's spreading fast and we’re all fucked. Ladies, do yourselves (and every guy you walk past) a solid and get a second mirror. Take a peek at your backside in these shorts; if you skipped the gym even once, these shorts will tell on you.”

-Jon, 32

(Ebola and Fart Filters are truly the two greatest threats to human survival. Which surpasses the other? The jury is still out.)

Inspired by the brave commentary of these sexually repressed and socially oppressed men, I decided to do a poll of my own on what women think of certain men’s styles, in the name of true gender equality. 

The Man-Bun (Top-Knot, Mini-Bun, Nubbin-Head)

“Somehow the mullet has returned, but in a horribly mutated inverse form; party in the front, business in the back, and confusion all around. If a guy thinks he can pull that off I instantly know he drools when he talks and probably smells like Swiss cheese.”

-Jill, 23

“Instant dirt squirrel alert!”

 -Stephanie, 22

“I want to travel around the city with scissors so I can become a top-knot crusader and save womankind from looking at these nipple heads any longer.”

-Amanda, 22

Skinny Jeans

“Me and my friends always laugh about how men look like bobble-heads when they wear skinny jeans…or no, like a walking stalk of broccoli! Nothing is more effeminate than Mr. Broccoli bopping around on his skinny stalks.”

-Kat, 24

“I instantly shrivel up like a raisin when I see a man wearing tighter pants than me. I imagine pulling them off to be as unpleasant as pulling a wrapper off a melted chocolate bar…a really hairy, sweaty one.”

Jessica, 21

Big Beards

“Since when did it become sexy to look like Gimli from Lord of the Rings? Cut the man-muff, if it’s unkempt where I can see it, what about where I can’t? Am I right, ladies? Yes. I am.”

-Laura, 25

“I don’t understand the idea of a huge face-carpet. They’re gross, they make me want to puke, then I think about how when they puke it gets stuck in their beards, and that makes me want to puke more. Stop the endless puke cycle and buy a razor!”

- Jazz, 21

Flip Flops

“Nobody wants to see those hobbit feet and dino-toes. Put those stinkers where they belong: in shoes, under a table, and far away from me.”

-Erin, 31

Clearly, equality has nothing to do with mutual respect, but mutual disrespect for the other’s fashion choices. I say bravo to all those brave souls who tell it like it is, no matter if it makes them look like an ignoramus.