Berkeley, CA—After years of enduring screeching and deranged Justin Bieber fans, scientists have claimed that the cure for “Bieber Fever” has been discovered. The story behind this breakthrough, though nothing short of miraculous, has stunned the nation.
“This is an amazing discovery,” explained Lydia Zaitsev, a research lab technician at the Lawrence Berkeley National Laboratory in California. “I was at the local theatre with my husband and our ten-year-old daughter, and we had just finished watching the new Justin Bieber movie. As we headed towards our car, a crazed man ran towards us, shouted some expletives and spat at my daughter. He was foaming from the mouth like a rabid animal, and despite my husband’s effort to subdue the strange man, he spat at numerous passersby, most of whom happened to be young girls.”
Zaitsev, whose daughter was an avid Justin Bieber fan, claimed that shortly after the strange encounter, her daughter no longer expressed any interest or adoration for him. “She was indifferent to his music and his androgynous looks,” said Zaitsev. “She didn’t think he was ‘swagalicious’ anymore, and that’s what got me thinking: what if that man—or rather, his spit—had something to do with her drastic change?”
After a successful sweep of the city, Zaitsev and her colleagues found the strange man. They brought him to the laboratory, taking samples of his saliva and probing into details of his life. “He told us that his name was John Doe, and that he ran away from home when his was 12 years old because he wanted to ‘be one with the squirrels,’” explained David Astor, a research lab technician and Zaitsev’s assistant. “Not only has his prolonged exposure to forest critters given him rabies, but he somehow found access to pounds of Methamphetamine hydrochloride and synthetic cathinones—meth and bath salts. By examining the properties of his spit, we noticed that the combination of rabies, meth and bath salts contained regenerative properties that could reverse and stabilize the effects of those afflicted with ‘Bieber Fever.’”
Although it has only been a couple of days, this scientific breakthrough has been deemed Nobel Prize-worthy, and efforts to eradicate this rampant illness have already begun. Gallons and gallons of Doe’s saliva have been stored in the laboratory, and volunteers all across the city have offered to help Zaitsev and Astor’s mission. “It works best when our intended targets don’t see us approaching them,” explained Astor. “We reach our sanitized and gloved hands into a bucket of Doe’s spit, grab a decent handful and then quickly throw the saliva at the individual. Sometimes, when our target spots us and tries to run away, we chase after them, forming a tight-knit circle around them and flicking the spit repeatedly, shouting ‘The power of Christ compels you!’ It’s quite magical and awe-inspiring to see how quickly those afflicted with ‘Bieber Fever’ are cured.”
To ensure that Doe’s saliva remains the same, pounds of meth and bath salts have been left at his disposal along with a hotel suite of his own nearby, so that he can always be reached at a moment’s notice. “He’s a hero,” explained Zaitsev. “Though he may appear deranged, unkempt and ill-mannered, he’s the best thing that has ever happened to us, and for as long as he shall live and spit, he will remain humanity’s true saviour.”
Hoda is a 21-year-old student currently in her second year at Algonquin College for Professional Writing. With an unintentional penchant for awkward situations, she can be found roaming the streets of Ottawa, falling over her own feet, facing everyone when riding an elevator and responding inappropriately to compliments. She spends most of her time with her family, friends, MacBook Pro and books. She is an introvert at heart, and sarcasm is her mother tongue.
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