“The drugs don’t give you a warning sign before they hit, they just sneak up on ya when you least expect it, so always watch out for yourself. You gotta be your own number one sometimes. I guess for some people, that must be part of the fun, right? The unknown, spontaneous fear of something wild happening? Don’t get me wrong, I love doing drugs as much as anyone, maybe more sometimes, but I’m not a huge fan of surprises.
“I research extensively before I try anything new. I really can’t see the harm in knowing what the side effects are going to be ahead of time, or how to properly combat the inevitable comedown. I weigh each hit individually for myself too, because I know exactly what I need to have a good time and there’s no need to take risks if you don’t have to.” I pull my miniature food scale out of my bag and smile warmly at the doe eyed blonde girl in front of me. She looks younger than most of the girls I see, but I’m not one to judge anyone’s bad habits.
“So, what’s your poison?” I ask politely when I’m finally finished my opening spiel. I showcase my stash, subtly channeling my inner Vanna White, by gesturing dramatically at the drugs I have neatly displayed on the table. She lowers her face to the table and glances quickly at each product before turning back to me and reaching for the last of my cocaine this week. If I could, I would roll my eyes because I don’t know if I want to waste such a good individual seller on this clueless looking of a buyer. She holds the sealed bag up to her nose and inhales deeply.
“What are you doing?” I ask, trying my best to use my least judgmental tone of voice while simultaneously reaching for the bag. The last thing I need is this girl ripping the bag or something ridiculous. She pulls it away from my outstretched hands, and that’s strike one for this girl.
“I was told to test it first, so I know it’s good quality.” Her voice wavers and I actually roll my eyes this time. This girl is already at strike two. Does she not know who I am? She sought me out herself, so I would have assumed she understood that my standards are of the highest quality. I do have a reputation in this industry and I’m considering leaving her empty handed, but I just know I can nail this sale for a little extra commission if I play my cards right. Instead I smile brightly at her making sure to show all my perfect pearly whites. I get a monthly cleaning, so i know they’re sparkling.
“First of all honey, don’t you dare accuse me of being sub-par, ever. That’s just rude. It’s really my number one rule and if you can’t even follow that, you’ll have to do business elsewhere okay?” I make a move to collect my things, and like I suspected her big doe eyes get so wide, I’m suddenly in the mood to watch Bambi.
“No, no. I’m sorry. I just thought-“. I raise my hand in the air and cut her off mid-sentence.
“So rookie, you think you’re gonna smell coke through a sealed bag? You think I just carry drugs around that anyone can just take a whiff of as I walk by? No. This should just be obvious really, but it’s okay to make mistakes because you’re clearly new here.”
“I’m not new to drugs. I’ve done it before.” She crosses her arms across her chest and now she reminds me of an absurdly large toddler.
“Done… it? What is IT exactly? The spooky clown? Girl, you’re a freak in the sheets huh?” I laugh generously at my own joke, and frankly I’m a little miffed that she’s staring at me with her mouth hanging open like a street dog with a broken jaw and not laughing with me. Her face is slowly turning red, with little sweat beads collecting on her forehead, so I decide to let it slide for now.
“Sweetie, that’s a joke. You can laugh, nobody is gonna be upset if we have a little fun. I’ve never understood why this business can’t be fun for both our clients and distributors. Anyway, back to the cocaine, yeah? If you’re planning on buying from someone else in the future, you’re gonna look real suspicious shoving a plastic bag up to your nose like that. So instead of insulting your dealer, you’re going to politely request to test the product before purchasing.”
I lay my hands flat out into the air and this time she hands the cocaine back to me.
“And we totally get it girl, drugs are a lot of money and you can’t be wasting money on bad product.” I can tell she’s listening for real now, so I continue my pitch flawlessly, knowing that I’ve already bagged a repeat customer. And trust me when I say we love a nervous, rich girl in this business.
“So, what they’ll do is poke a little hole in the bag, like this” I demonstrate on the ball of cocaine, poking it softly with an old knitting needle I rigged up for this exact purpose. It’s crazy sharp but doesn’t rip the whole bag open, which is really crucial for this kinda thing. Trust me, it’s a real challenge sometimes but everyone’s too proud to admit it.
“Your part is obviously the testing, which really is the fun part if you think about it. Trust me, you do not want to be out here peddling drugs all day. It is exhausting, and we don’t even really get to do the drugs cause then we’d make all kinds of mistakes. Some of us do, of course… but to each their own, right?” She’s got her Bambi eyes back and I’m starting to worry that she’s gonna back out before i even get finished the pitch.
“Anyway! First things first, check the colour. When you think of coke, you think white powder ya?” Her head bobs up and down quickly, but the expression on her face has morphed into pure terror. She’s so scared that I’m wondering if I should really be selling drugs to this naïve of a girl. Alas, it is my job and the show must go on, as they say. Besides, if she gets hooked there’s a new couch I’ve been looking at. I can’t give that money up since my white leather sectional was the rather unfortunate victim of Paintball night last week in my apartment. Looking back, I wouldn’t host it at my house next time. Everyone had a lot of fun though, so I think it was worth it.
“If it’s tinged either brown or a yellow-ish, Do yourself a favour and don’t accept it. It is not worth your money. You just look so adorable, I can totally see someone trying to rip you off because you look so young. Please pay attention honey, I just want to help you ‘cause girls gotta stick together right?” The girls curls bob slightly with a small nod and when she pushes her hair back, I see a promising opportunity.
“Do you always have claws like that?” I grab for her hand and admire the matte black nails, perfectly filed into uniform coffins that she is absolutely pulling off with her outfit. She nods again, looking slightly less Deer-in-Headlights than before and I guess she’s not gonna speak anymore-which is really better for me anyway.
“Sometimes they’ll try and intimate you, like taking out a knife and scooping it out for you, but trust me, it’s all a show. We’re not very scary if we don’t need to be. Just stick your fierce kitty claw right in there and scoop a little out for yourself. They’ll be totally impressed if you take initiative, so try not to look so scared, okay?” I guide her smallest finger into the mound of cocaine and her expression goes from frightened back to pure terror. She has that ugly, open-mouthed gape back on her pretty face. She’s staring at her own hand now and I kinda think she looks more like a donkey than a dog. Poor girl. I continue my pitch regardless.
“If you take a whiff, yes go ahead and smell it now” I encourage her gently, my smile wavering slightly. “If it smells like baking soda, just turn around and leave, okay? People like to cut it with baking soda, so they can make more money by diluting product and they’re just jerks who make people like me look bad. So you shouldn’t be smelling baking soda, but a very clear chemical smell, ya? I’m going to repeat that now. Under no circumstances should you buy drugs if they smell like baking products, okay?” I gesture towards her hand that’s awkwardly floating two feet away from her face. She does the jerky head nod again.
“Okay, so now taste, obviously. Good quality cocaine on your tongue should pretty much feel like nothing because if it doesn’t numb your mouth, it ain’t gonna be a good time. Take a little taste off your nail and before you ask, no you won’t be high with that teeny tiny little amount.”
I watch her expectantly, and I’m really starting to think she’s gonna bail out, which would be super unfortunate since I’ve put in a lot effort for this sale. I can see her mind teetering on the line and I’m pleasantly surprised when she sticks her tongue out tentatively and licks the powder out of her nail.
“Oh! It’s kind of bitter.” She makes a face that scrunches up her nose, and it’s actually pretty cute. I almost feel bad for calling her a donkey now.
“As it should be!” I hit her with my best closing smile showing the full extent of my teeth and a flirty wink to seal the deal.
“I can’t feel my tongue” She mumbles quietly to herself, and suddenly bursts out laughing. “I feel like I went to the dentist” She sticks her tongue out at me giggling, I’m thinking I might have misjudged her. She’s kind of adorable now that she’s calmed down, but I can’t let that distract me when I’m so close.
“Well Bonnie, it was absolutely lovely to meet with today.” I’m already packing my things, including the cocaine in question back into my vintage Juicy Couture satchel. “I do need to get off, so if you change your mind, you have my number, right?” I smile innocently and make a move towards the door.
“Wait!” She calls after me and I know I’m going home a closer. I turn around slowly and look around the room like a clueless retired woman being scammed for her credit card number.
“Oh, did I drop something?” I pretend to scan the floor quickly, playing the part of the non-pushy saleswoman I was destined to be.
“I want to buy today. Now.” She’s reaching inside her bag already and produces the most gorgeous golden Louis Vuitton wallet. It’s so beautiful that I don’t even care she’s using it inside a Coach bag.
“How much?” She asks, already pulling out bills.
“Well, how much do you want silly?” She stares blankly back at me, and I can see she’s panicking. “You gotta tell me what you need, not the other way around.” I touch her shoulder and give her my best supportive friend eyes to let her know I’m looking out for her.
“All of it.” She blurts out. “The whole bag.” I’m not even lying when I say my pupils probably turned into those dollar signs from old cartoons as I beamed back at her. I reach back into my bag and produce the cocaine again.
“Oh, are you sure you want the whole thing?” I ask sweetly, laying it on thicker than an apprentice nail tech doing her first set of acrylics. “Well, you’re in luck. Since you’re such a sweetheart, I’ll give it to you for only $400. I’ll take $50 dollars off, just cause I’m in such a good mood.”
I give her my best smile one more time and she hands over a messy stack of 20’s. I drop the ball of coke on the table without even counting the cash when I tuck it into my bag because I just sold $250 worth of product for $400.
I throw up a peace sign on my way out the door, and this time the smile on my face is real.
Nikki McKenzie is full of sarcasm, positivity and the embodiment of when Jim from The Office looks into the camera. She also likes to write.