Ronald McDonald announces retirement in light of creepy clown phenomenon and “Corporate Accountability nagging”
October 11th, 2016 (ILLINOIS, USA) – McDonald’s figurehead Ronald McDonald addressed company CEOs, friends, and a few lucky members of the press this Tuesday afternoon about his plans to resign. McDonald says he has been publicly shamed in light of the creepy clown incidents sweeping the US, citing one instance where a mistaken woman beat him with his own novelty-size shoes as the final straw.
“I was just walking down the street to get milk,” said McDonald. “I couldn’t even write the ruined shoes off as a business expense. Do you know how hard it is to find footwear in my size?”
Public fear has skyrocketed as hordes of strange citizens maraud around like sinister jesters. Many mix-up average-joe clowns such as McDonald with the sensationalist camp. These fringe clowns have sparked a number of reactionary groups that Ronald says he “supports whole-heartedly.”
“Take S.C.A.R.E [Sensible Clowns Against Rogue Elitists],” said McDonald. “These are people who’ve devoted their lives to clowning around, and they take it very seriously. Unfortunately, there are always those who go too far – those who don’t know when to shed the makeup. That’s how we get these damn extremists running around screwing with people’s heads. I understand their frustration. They see a society that no longer calls upon them, that no longer appreciates a good, professional clown, and it alienates them. They turn to scare-mongering and cheap publicity stunts, but fear is not the answer. They just need to know that a Happy Meal takes the edge off.”
S.C.A.R.E, however, was wary in accepting McDonald’s endorsement and questioned his motives, claiming that the sudden penchant for social justice was a product of the “Ronald 2.0” dawn-of-the-decade makeover that saw him trading in his famous yellow jumpsuit for chic, vaguely hipster attire.
“As serious clowns, we advocate sovereignty over our craft,” said S.C.A.R.E founder Yuk-Yuk Roundnose. “Until Ronald officially steps down from his position at McDonald’s, he is part of a business that profits off the downward spiral of public health. We don’t need the hypocrisy. We want a voice that is true to the everyclown.”
This isn’t the first 2016 has seen of McDonald advocating the minority performers’ rights. He was one of the first to condemn the planned 2017 cinematic reboot of Stephen King’s It, and has since called upon children’s entertainers worldwide to poo-poo the project for perpetuating “gross, inaccurate stereotypes about clowns.”
McDonald’s recent libertarian agenda has been continuously criticized by the press and various NGOs due to his perceivably hypocritical employment terms with McDonald’s. Corporate Accountability, in particular, targeted his position as a role model. Ronald said that the company’s “dedication to grilling his ass” was paramount in his decision to resign. “They’ve been trying to deep-fry me for being a supposedly ‘negative influence’ on children for years.”
Corporate Accountability International in Boston, Massachusetts made its first case against McDonald back in 2010, suggesting that he should resign in respect to childhood obesity. McDonald called this appeal “extraneous and unfounded,” and requested that the non-profit organization “at least grease him up” before they “screw” him. The outburst – which was broadcast live on Fox news – put a serious dent in McDonald’s career. An apology was never issued, and his popularity plummeted.
Still, Ronald seems optimistic about the future, and is looking forward to nurturing his love of post-postmodern philosophy, Byzantine art, balloons, and birthday parties. He is allegedly working on a book of poetry and essays entitled Beneath the Jumpsuit: The Clown You Never Knew. He has high hopes that it will lay waste to the poor taste that disgraced his face.
“Duh, Ronald, we’ll, uh, miss you, buddy,” said long-time friend and collaborator, Grimace, who appeared towards the end of the meeting after allegedly getting lost in the company parking lot for two hours.
The Hamburglar – another close companion and co-worker of McDonald’s – was not present, but tweeted at McDonald shortly after the news broke: “Ronald, you’ll always be the cheese to my quarter-pounder.”
Upon announcing his departure from the company, a bleary-eyed Jim Skinner – former Vice Chairman, Chief Executive, and McDonald’s employee of 41 years – called McDonald’s resignation “a crying shame,” and reached for a kerchief protruding from Ronald’s sleeve only to send a torrent of multi-coloured hankies embroidered with golden arches shooting across the boardroom.
Sambo Chilton is a restless space cadet, writer, and musician residing in Ottawa, Ontario. He is currently finishing his second year in the Professional Writing program at Algonquin College, as well as a number of short stories, essays, and ditties to hum while contemplating one’s puny mortal existence.