A Capital Solution To An Uber Problem

Night Traffic By Feel Art (FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

Night Traffic By Feel Art (FreeDigitalPhotos.net)

So maybe you’ve downloaded Uber’s app and gone for a ride or two. Maybe you’ve even gone and become an Uber driver, and are currently typing a beautiful, infomercial-type success story comment under my last post; something about how it’s the best job you’ve ever had and how your life has changed for the better, and maybe you’re just now reaching the part in your Uber testimonial where you’re thanking me for introducing you to such a fantastic/lucrative second job/career. Or, maybe, you became an Uber driver but have instead wound up being the 14 Ottawa drivers fined ($650) and you’re just now taking violent stabs at your keyboard in the midst of a less ecstatic and (probably lengthier) testimonial wherein you threaten this writer’s very life for introducing you to the thing that has swallowed up this month's rent. This, I hope, is not the case.

Last Tuesday the City of Toronto requested an injunction for a court order to stop Uber from operating within city limits, and the city’s new mayor, John Tory (succeeding Mr. Rob Ford on December 1st), is not going to put a halt on the Toronto’s suit against Uber; though he has claimed that court cases are “old-fashioned methods” and that “these kinds of technological changes are here to stay.”

What’s more disappointing, is the rigid anti-uber stance of the seriously tight-assed and newly re-elected Jim Watson, who’s pretty firm in his tight-assedness as the city promises more fines to even further screw Uber and their honest, hardworking drivers.

So, I have a plan; (1) you (i.e. Uber) offer free rides to anyone who can prove they work at City hall. How will this help? Well, no matter at what capacity, there will be city hall employees that take you up on free rides (if the ride is free, it isn’t technically illegal), and (2) when people are hopping on into Uber cabs from city hall, well, I don’t know what that’ll do exactly, but it won’t look good. And (3) this is just how the sprockets and cogs of getting-shit-done work, (i.e. greasing the wheels); free rides for City hall workers are barely a backrub in comparison to the million dollar blowjobs (kickbacks) politicians receive every year, so– wait, actually, scrap the free ride plan; (PLAN B) just grease ’em. We know you have the dough -- you’re projected to gross 10 billion this year. There’s nothing more sphincter loosening (I’m looking at you, Jim) than numbers that end with "illion."

Matthew Thibeault

Matthew is a writer of both fiction and nonfiction whose work has appeared nowhere in particular.

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Stuff he reads: Harper's | The Walrus | Oxford American