I-Cracked

So, I tried "crack" yesterday.

Hold on, let me explain:

I woke up yesterday morning with puffy eyes and a foggy brain, eager to jump-start the day. While nursing a cup of coffee and watching random YouTube videos, I stumbled upon a frightening report about the latest menace to high school children. Bullying? Anorexia?

No: I-Dosing.

Watch:

That’s right. Digital drugs! Kids are getting are now getting all “whacked out” by listening to weird noises on their iPods. What a world.

I-Dosing  tracks are comprised of computer-generated tones and binaural beats that allegedly intoxicate the listener by tinkering with their brain waves. Dozens of videos have been posted on YouTube featuring teenagers reacting wildly to I-Dosing. These mind-warping sounds are only a few clicks (and dollars) away.

Balderdash, I thought. Hoax!

But then I got thinking: music does affect people on many levels. Maybe it's not impossible for prolonged exposure to strange, calculated computer tones to intoxicate somebody in some way.

Regardless, people clearly seem to think that it works. After catching some of their students “wasted” on I-Doses last March, the staff at the Mustang High School in Oklahoma sent letters home to parents warning of this disturbing and possibly dangerous new craze. Were they right to spread concern about an Internet fad of which they had no understanding? Probably not.

But was I really in a position to judge? What can I say—I didn’t know what I was talking about, either. I wanted desperately to mock what I saw as a blatant scam, but my ridicule would have smacked of hypocrisy without the insights of a "user." I knew what I had to do. I would I-Dose myself—for science! For truth! For something to do!

Cyber-vice, or snake oil?

I was about to find out.

Unwilling to mess around with any of the cheap, streaming, YouTube stuff, I decided to go straight to the source. I visited the Pablo Escobar of audio-intoxicants, idoser.com, which prides itself as a leader in “binaural brainwave simulated experiences.” Their software is free. The I-Dose tracks, of course, are not.

After a little downloading, wallet-emptying ($16 for four “dose” tracks) and file unzipping, I finally had my stash. I was struck by the file names: alcohol.drg, cocaine.drg, orgasm.drg (seriously), and crack.drg, to name a few. I figured that if I was going to do this, I might as well do it with gusto; I chose "crack."

Each track/dose has a brief description. An excerpt:

Crack

"Are you ready for the next level? The effects are produced in minutes, are intensely euphoric, and last between 20 to 30 minutes upon completion of the dose... there will be euphoria with delusions and possible hallucinations."

Look out.

I was actually started to get a little excited at the thought of warping my brain with sound in a new way. I hopped into bed, put on my high-quality-helicopter-pilot headphones, turned off the lights and pressed play. Two synthesizer tones with slightly different pitches hummed in each ear, buzzing about while an unending stream of white noise hissed away in the background. It sounded like a motorboat in an Atari 2600 game running on cruise control. I found it a little anticlimactic and mildly grating, but carried on nonetheless.

So I waited, listening to this irritating, abrasive, monotonous, mindnumbing, tiresome, unchanging, eye-watering, (I had a lot of time to think of adjectives) and bothersome drone for thirty long minutes, uninterrupted by outside noise or light, and...

...nothing happened.

Obviously, I thought, rolling my eyes. I had just performed the audio-equivalent of waterboarding on myself for nothing.

Actually, for $16.95.

Well, of course it’s rubbish. Nick Ashton, the owner of idoser.com, is raking in piles of money by separating young fools (which now includes me) and their money. But don’t take it from me, take it from the total lack of non-anecdotal evidence that supports audio-derived intoxication. Or Dr. Helane Wahbeh of Oregon Health and Science University, who recently performed a four-person controlled study on the effects of binaural beats on brain waves — and found no evidence of any brain wave alterations.

Any euphoria that listeners receive is probably a result of the placebo effect, cognitive dissonance, or simply the fact that it’s hard not to feel nice after a 30-minute gauntlet of audio gibberish finally ends. But it isn't a "gateway" to anything. If anything, it's a deterrant. Regardless, schools should be relieved that their students are getting kicks off of noise instead of actual drugs.

So, parents: relax. You clearly need it.

Maybe take a nap.

Need help? I've got plenty of nightshade.drg, sleepingangel.drg and demerol.drg to get rid of.

Comments

[Sarah Foley]

I didn't know whether to laugh or cry reading this, I think I did a little of both! It's amazing what people will believe and buy with the right marketing.