Woman Explodes in Local Ottawa Starbucks

Police advise Ottawa residents to switch to decaf.  

By: Cindy Olberg


OTTAWA — Ottawa police are investigating the death of Malvina Delgado Otero, age 52, after she exploded in a Starbucks restroom in the Glebe late Sunday morning. 

Police have not yet confirmed whether Otero’s death is linked to the amount of caffeine in Starbucks’ new “Platinum Blonde” roast, but they are suspicious.

“We would have done an autopsy,” said Sgt. Willie McPhail, “but the crime scene was pretty scattered. Still, we are urging the public to switch to decaf until we’ve concluded our investigation.”

Starbucks Coffee Company started marketing its new obscenely caffeinated line of coffee beans, “Platinum Blonde,” nine days ago. Since then, officials say 5, 230 Canadians have spontaneously exploded, and thousands of at-risk caffeine addicts have been admitted to local hospitals for observation.

“I still can’t believe it,” said Ruslana Siplove, the barista who poured Otero’s last coffee before she exploded. “I mean, one minute I was refilling the coffee stations, and the next, someone literally ran out of the bathroom screaming.”

According to Siplove, it’s not uncommon for patrons to leave messes in the Starbucks restrooms. But this was the first time anyone exploded during her shift at the Glebe location.

A single mother of two sets of deaf conjoined twins, as well as an avid churchgoer and regular soup-kitchen volunteer, Otero was known as a courageous force in the community, and was revered by friends and neighbours.

“I’ll always remember the time she pulled my daughter out of a well,” reflected one local man. “The irony is that it was her caffeine addiction that made her such a go-getter.”

Starbucks Coffee Company is deeply saddened about Sunday’s events, and will be offering every customer who mentions Malvina a drink of any size at regular price.